Losing

Fool me.
I'm afraid of losing.
My most fear, ever.. is losing someone.
In fact, we lose people. always.

I hate myself for ever wanting to die, for being so dumb and let some pain kill myself.
Life is too short, I know.
I know even tho i'm still here, alive.
"But who knows?" - unexpected things happen.

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.
Why, why do we have to face all the pain by losing?
Its the feeling of sad, grieve, unexpected, unbelieveable, shock, empty, complicated, and no words could describe them all.

Why do I have to face the losing again, one day, God?
I'm so afraid, im so afraid of losing.
The hardest thing i never want to face in this world.
Its so hurting, and i cant stand it.
It takes a lifetime to forget, to let go, and to stop the pain.

I had the feeling, that it will happen to me again, and it will never stop.
Why, God? Why?
Why take my people away from me?
Why take everything away from me?

Because it's enough.
I couldnt face any "losing" anymore.
I'm empty, already. So stop taking my people.
I'm so done with everything.

I cant imagine it, if one day.. if only that day comes.. and You take one of them away.. I cant imagine, what im gonna do.

maybe i wont see any tears. or maybe i will see lots of them. or maybe i will see blood coming out from my skin. or maybe i will be crazy. or maybe i will see You. or maybe i will be so broken and empty, and so empty, so empty. or maybe i will be so cold. or maybe i will become a suicidal. or maybe i will lose myself. or maybe i will kill someone. or maybe i will do some criminals. or maybe i will cry down along the streets. or maybe i will walk with empty eyes in the streets, and let the cars hit me. or maybe i will go to the high building's rooftop and stand in the corner. and jump. because maybe i see nothing, than a dark empty sight. And i feel so comfortable with the darkness, so i let myself jump for it. because maybe after that, i will be able let go, and forget.. so, i wont feel the pain anymore.

So tell me the reason, why nothing stays.
Why does everything leaves.
And why they dont even give a fuck. and just leave.

And why do good people leave faster. without even letting them to have the last farewell.

I wish that death is nicer. Only if Death will let us have our last farewell before finishing its job.
I wish that death can feel it. I wish.

                                                                 JT