Being 17

Happy birthday.

What is the exact mean from "happy birthday"?
My mom gave birth to the world, and its me. I was in her body almost a year, give her lots of pain and get out from her body as a little baby.


I never felt so happy about being older, but once i were. I used to be so happy, for real. I used to hope that i'll have the happiest birthday when i'm 17. But it all ruined, three years ago.
I still cant believe that i was still here, living, in this world, ever since i lost everything.

Once again,
Happy birthday to you - from your memories
Happy birthday to you - from your old besties
Happy birthday to you - from your old teachers
Happy birthday to you - from past

I dont think i'll ever be able to laugh
      like i used to, to laugh          for real    

in the past three years,
i never expected a "happy birthday" from these people.

i.. just need theirs.

I need theirs, i need them, i feel like it slowly consume me that i always feel so bad that i dont want to be here anymore.
I missed them, i missed them so much that it tries to kill me everytime i want to stop.

I miss them, i want to be with them.
God, why is it so hard for me

Why do i keep wantin them, those who had forgotten me

It fucking hurts, that none of them knew, not even one. That none of them remembered me.

I dont need anyone. i dont.

I want to feel the 17 like others do, i want to have the closest one and remember me,
why cant i even..

 I feel like its the time, you are done Julie.
You no longer worth here, you can not keep hurting your parents like this. You should end this.

 It hurts a lot God that i dont even want to breath anymore.
I feel so weak that i cant stand those deals anymore.



Its so pity, shame on me.

How i dont even have anyone to share what i feel.
How i cant even trust anyone at the most painful time.

I wrote a lot that i dont even remember anything else. I wrote a lot that i put them all into those letters.

Happy birthday to you , Jupe
I miss everything. Yeah i do, and i will always do till you realize why im gone.

I hope you'll be happy there, all of you. Be good, be good and stay healthy,
have a long life, so that i can watch you longer from afar.

Deepest words,


Jupe-cepen-gipe-epen-rmc-teachers-bpkp-oldies-everythingthatilost-