ME time

Honest hour?#HH


I preferly to be alone, at home. A home, the only comfortable place for me. There's no one i have to be afraid of. There's no PEOPLE.
I freely could express myself in ME time. I do things nobody knows. I write, I eat, and I read.  I dont have to be someone else, i dont have to pretend, i dont have to do something out of myself. I can be myself, thats all.

Other thing, I do really love travelling, especially when i'm depressed. But then again, i'll be more depressed if i meet people. I dont want to talk to them, really. I prefer to ask someone i know to go out with me hanging out, because its much better than having to walk hanging out alone and meet so many people and.. its just, horrible. At least i have someone i know around me.

People, is seriously my most fear, ever since i moved to a big city like this.


The world is too cruel, so do the people.

I lost almost everything i had that day, i lost everyone i loved.
I no longer trust anyone. I no longer active.
It was more than enough to take my life future. Maybe i no longer have my future in my hand like others. I miss what i had, always.

Sometimes, it feels so unfair, God.
I wanted to be like other people, I wanted to have someone to trust. I want a sincere, kind-hearted, and the one who'll never leave me. I want everything back. So many times i blamed myself for being born, being exist.. If only i never existed, im sure 100% my family wont go thro this tough time. Its hard for me, tho. I cant even survive.

The more people i see, the more fear will grow inside of me.
But i realised, i realised that in life, a communication is a must. You can never live alone.
So that i tried to fit myself in,  even if i know they dont belongs to me. All i can do is to be something else, and pretend that i'm just like other human, i'm alive and i'm a teen, im living the world with them.
But that's all fake till now, i'm so thankful that i could do that.

Sometimes that certain horrible things attack me again, sometimes i forgot how to hold a conversation with people, somtimes i forgot how to talk to people, sometimes i forgot how to reply someone, sometimes i forgot the meaning of simple words we used to learn as a human, sometimes i forgot who i was, sometimes i forgot what i just did a minute ago, sometimes i forgot little things, and sometimes, i forgot why i'm here.



I wanted so badly to have JUST SOMEBODY, JUST ONE PERSON, ONE THING, TO  BE NEXT TO ME AND SAID :
" ITS OKAY TO BE DIFFERENT., ITS OKAY TO BE ALONE, ITS OKAY TO CRY, ITS OKAY TO HURT URSELF ONCE, ITS EVEN OKAY TO BE DEPRESSED AND DRINK. ITS OKAY TO THINK THAT WAY. I KNOW THAT'S ALL YOU NEED FROM LIFE. I KNOW YOU JUST NEED A BREAK. I KNOW ITS HARD. I UNDERSTAND, LEMME BE THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTAND YOU. I KNOW WHY YOU LIED, I KNOW HOW HARD ITS FOR YOU TO CONTROL THE DESIRE OF COMMITTING SUICIDE EVERYTIME LIFE BREAKS YOU DOWN, I KNOW, BECAUSE IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD DO THE SAME THING. YOU'VE DONE GREAT FROM OTHERS, U DID WHAT OTHER'S CANNOT. YOU'VE LAST LONGER THAN OTHERS. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN WHAT YOU THINK. LETS GET WHAT YOU WANT, LETS DRINK, LETS FORGET, LETS DARE UR FEAR."

I need someone who can understand me completely, please..
I'm so sick of having to face life alone, again. I need someone who'll kindly do unexpectedly things for me, a forever dos. I miss loving people. I miss people. SOMETIMES.



Can i ever find someone who's just like me? Someone who's having aan unendlessly tough time just like me? I wanted to know if it makes them committing suicide, or harmself, or changes them into someone bad. I wanted to know if they feel the same. I wanted to know if they're afraid of hurting themself directly so they prefer dare to do something crazy out of safety so they'll just scream out all the pain and forget them completely, and let anything happen after that. I want to meet someone who's still survive even so many times they swore to God they're done with their life and want to die atm. I want someone like that to be here with me, and go together to a place we've both never gone, places to make us realise there r lot of things out there that will change our life..

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~ Buddha

There’s only one way to survive life. Shut down, or get hurt and die.